ACC Weekend Forecast- Week 1
"As you can see behind me, there are some ACC upsets brewing."
Anyone who’s ever seen the weather channel knows how hilarious dramatic weather predictions can be. Dave Barry certainly knows. (http://www.frankjuval.com/FLstorm/). In honor of the Weather Channel, I’ve decided to do this weekend’s ACC forecast by picking a “storm category” for each of the games to be played. Allow me to demonstrate exactly what I mean with a handy key.
Category 5- Hurricane Hugh-miliation
The favored team destroys the underdog; hide the women and children!
EX: 2008 Clemson 45 Citadel 17
Category 4- Tropical Storm Spanky
The favored team wins handily, but you can’t change the channel to American Gladiators reruns until the late 3rd quarter
EX: 2008 GT 27 Duke 0
Category 3- Tropical Depression Duke
The favored team triumphs, but the game’s sloppier than a Duke Lacrosse party.
EX: 2008 Virginia 16 Richmond 0
Category 2- Tropical Breeze Biankabatuka
The underdog sneaks out a win by the tip of the football. It truly is a game of inches…
EX: 2008 Virginia 16 North Carolina 13 (OT)
Category 1- Windless sails
The underdog wins big over a favored team that presumably got hammered at the Holiday Inn the night before and is still puking during warm ups.
EX: 2008 Virginia 31 Maryland 0
At this point, you might be asking yourself: what does the Weather Channel have to do with football? And why did this guy ever watch the Weather Channel anyway? I will deflect both of those questions by asking a question of my own: how is it that Virginia went 3-0 on my Storm Category Explanation Chart and 1-8 in the rest of the 2008 season? At this time, I think it’s suitable to quote Cat Stevens.
“The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind; the answer is blowing in the wind.”
"Read the rest of the article, or I'll never cut my hair again."
WEEK 1: ACC WEEKEND FORECAST
CATEGORY FIVE- Hurricane Hugh-Miliation
1) Citadel @ #21 North Carolina (No line) – North Carolina blows the running-back deprived Citadel all the way back to Charleston.
SCORE: UNC 37 Citadel 9
2) Jacksonville State @ #15 Georgia Tech (No line) – Georgia Tech sweeps through Ryan Perriloux University* like a Category Five ravaging a trailer park. Cows and roofs go airborne.
SCORE: GT 45 JSU 17
*Ryan Perriloux, as is customary, has been suspended for the game.
CATEGORY FOUR- Tropical Storm Spanky
1) Middle Tennessee State @ Clemson (-18.5)-Last year, Clemson was the overhyped Category 5 Hurricane that ended up just knocking 3 shingles off a condemned house in Miami. This year, Clemson spins powerfully under the radar. Start buying plywood, MTSU. You’ll need it.
SCORE: Clemson 38 MTSU 12
2) Maryland @ #12 California (-21.5) – When you’re rebuilding in the front 7 as Maryland is, you don’t want to play Heisman candidate RB Jahvid Best and the Bears.
SCORE: California 41 Maryland 23
CATEGORY THREE- Tropical Depression Duke
1) Miami @ #18 Florida State (-5.5)- The Hurricanes weaken and drift off on the first leg of their 0-4 start. Miami is officially not threatening enough to be shown on the ominous Tropical Update segment.
SCORE: Florida State 21 Miami 10
2) #7 Virginia Tech vs. #5 Alabama (-6) – Alabama QB Greg McIlroy more than replaces frat-helmet superstar John Parker Wilson. Virginia Tech coaches cannot find RB Ryan Williams after the game. Police identify the now 550 lb Terrance Cody as the prime suspect.
SCORE: Alabama 13 VT 10
"Great job Terrance. Now what'd you do with that little running back?"
3) Northeastern @ Boston College (N/A)-This is without a doubt the least interesting matchup in the history of ACC football. I’d rather watch UVa play William and Mary in the in the House of Burgesses 390th Anniversary classic at Scott Stadium.
SCORE: BC 16 Northeastern 7
4) William and Mary @ Virginia (No line)-This game has two interesting storylines. First, will 50% of Scott Stadium fall asleep during the game? Secondly, can Gregg Brandon’s spread offense conquer the Tribe defense without offending Native Americans or the NCAA? No to both questions.
SCORE: Virginia 26 William and Mary 17
CATEGORY TWO- Tropical Breeze Biankabatuka
1) Richmond @ Duke (No line) – The Blue Devils have been dreaming about Meineke Car Car bowls this offseason. The Spiders? Well, they have been talking about repeat FCS national titles.
SCORE: Richmond 16 Duke 10
2) South Carolina @ NC State (-3.5)- Mike Glennon will get his chance to shine after the South Carolina defense knocks out Russell Wilson…again.
SCORE: USC 17 NCSU 12
CATEGORY ONE- Windless sails
1) Baylor @ Wake Forest (-1.5)-The Big 12 is the like the ACC’s much cooler, much lazier older brother. I don’t know where I was going with that, but speedy QB Robert Griffith leads the Bears to big win.
SCORE: Baylor 34 Wake 16
3 Comments
five stars for style
five stars for humor
five stars for the weather forecast
five stars for the picture of and caption for Cat Stevens, but no stars for crediting him with a Bob Dylan song. As far as I know, Stevens never covered anyone, unless Allah had a few hits.
thank you sir.
cat stevens sang that song on the almost famous soundtrack, thus the mixup.
check out my posts on the unc portion of raycomsports.com. go to raycomsports.com and click on the unc logo. my preview of the unc-uconn game is up there. enjoy and say hi to the family for me.
I stand corrected. Greetings from the family.